Bad News

Thursday night, I felt a trickle in my underwear. I just assumed it was discharge. When I went to the bathroom I found it was blood. I called labor and delivery at my hospital and asked if I should come in right away or if I could wait until the morning and call my CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife). They said as long as the bleeding wasn't heavy, I could wait. The bleeding wasn't heavy so I waited. In the morning I called my CNM's office. They got me an unltrasound appointment. We had the ultrasound and the technician told us that we had a live baby but she could tell us anything else. Later that night my CNM called me to tell me some bad news. They found a mass on the back of the baby's head. It's called Cystic Hygroma. Right now we don't know what's going to happen. I have an appointment tomorrow with my CNM. She also wants to schedule me an appointment with a perinatoligst.

My bleeding has increased though, and last night I passed a few small clots, so things aren't looking good. I'm trying to stay level headed but it's getting difficult. The longer I sit at home on light bed rest the harder it gets to stay calm. When I have Christopher around it's easy because I have something else to worry about but at night or when I'm alone it gets hard to stay strong. I'm very lucky to have a strong support group but sometimes I still feel like I'm all alone in this. That no one can really understand what I'm going through. I guess the hardest part is not knowing what is going on. If I knew what was going on, I think it would be easier to deal with. My pregnancy with Christopher was so uncomplicated. I guess I was just expecting this one to be the same. I know better than to think, "That will never happen to me," but I guess I was thinking that way because I honestly didn't think anything like this would happen to me.